An open letter! Yes, another one!

Thank you, Dr Dube, for that insightful, supportive and perspicacious lil soundbite. You sure earned your salary this month, well done.

Truly groundbreaking stuff. We do, indeed, need to prevent teen pregnancies. I am sure that the pregnant learners at the hospital school join you in wishing the toothpaste back in the tube. Your helpful pearls of wisdom will certainly go far in getting them back on their feet, back to their studies, and on the path to success for them and their children.  Yay you!


But wait! Oh no. It seems I’ve had it all wrong. Talking about girls who are already pregnant – obviously – OBVIOUSLY – you’re not talking TO them. No, of course not! That would be crazy. Unthinkable even. I mean, can teen mothers even speak? Known fact, and I forgot this – sorry, that in the absence of a wedding ring and matric certificate, one’s voice and brain are removed at the time of conception? So there’d be no point in talking to people who are actually affected by it, given that they’re brainless, voiceless futureless zombies with children destined for prison. Like Brazilian street kids, we’ll sweep them under the rug and occasionally drag their pregnant bellies and sad faces out to use in sepia-toned stock photography.

There’s really not much to say to them, except perhaps “YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR LEGS CLOSED™”, another dazzling snippet from the Library of Horrendously Unconstructive Shit.

It’s not like we talk to people living with HIV about how to live successfully with HIV, right? Or people with cancer. Or alcoholics. Or people who’ve lost their legs when attempting to mount rabid alpacas, the culmination of a Series Of Bad Choices That Could Have Been Avoided. We don’t do that, do we? We leave all those other people to manage on their own because they deserve it. Right? Don’t we?

It’s not as if we tell ANYBODY that they can be okay after something’s gone wrong. Cos clearly, that would be a big lie, right? Once it’s Gone Wrong, there’s never any coming back from it, yes?

High-profile Alpaca Rampage Prevention personalities come on radio to talk about how nobody should race alpacas because it’s unwholesome and a sign of the moral degeneration of the youth of today and should you lose your legs to that rabid alpaca, dude, you’re on your own – don’t even THINK about a Legless Alpaca Racer Hospital or I don’t know… support group for HIV+ people or drug addicts. What a concept!

People will literally be QUEUING up to get their legs chewed off by alpacas if they think they can get a social grant and maybe a cupcake out of it.

Can’t have that. Taxpayers money and all that.

So thanks, Dr Dube and all your buddies. It’s a crazy thought, but I just know that if pregnant teens had brains or voices, and if you were actually talking TO them (in a conversation about teen pregnancy) – I’m sure they’d tell you exactly how grateful they are for your razor sharp observations and helpful tips for moving forward as a young mother.

What would we ever do without you.


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