Gave away 3 more blankets which Joyce had made for us - the lucky winning moms were very happy – somewhere there’s a pic of little Elam with her prize pink blanket on her head!

I was worried I wouldn’t manage alone as my mom usually does most of the behind-the-scenes set up and organising while I talk to moms but everybody got stuck in and with Wadi & Phakama’s help everything went smoothly. Except of course when I forgot to take the lens cap off the camera… luckily Wadi came to the rescue and was on camera duty for the rest of the day.

Never fails to amaze me how everybody gets stuck in at home time and before you turn your head, the whole place is clean, swept, chairs packed away and 100% sorted. Makes me feel good that everybody feels comfy enough to take charge and just do things, without being asked. These ladies can teach us all a lot about community and doing your share.

Had a good chat with Shirley & Edith, two community leaders (and formidable women) from Masi & Ocean View respectively. Was interesting that Edith said she struggles to get Ocean View people involved in community events, workshops etc. She works so hard at running workshops, being on the school’s governing body etc, and it’s always just the same small core of people working to improve their community. This sounds pretty much like Fish Hoek and the traditionally “white” areas – plenty of people ready and willing to complain, but not too many prepared to get their hands dirty and do the work. It’s all about “somebody should do something” – but not realising that YOU are that somebody.

While Shirley says that in Masi, workshops, meetings and other community events are well attended. According to Shirley, the moms in Masi say that as they “never attended school”, they must use every opportunity they get to learn something. So, it seems that Ocean View and Fish Hoek have got a lot of catching up to do.

What are things like in *your* communities?  Do people get together to make things better? Or does everybody stick to their own couches and not do much?

Congrats to Edith, Minentle & Anoria! Anoria was a new mom who joined us for the first time that day – good thing she did!

Was lovely to have Joyce with us, the moms made her feel welcome and she spent time chatting to them all and getting to know the babies.

One of our moms Grace spoke to us about her HIV experiences, and the work she is doing with Positive Heroes  - an organisation which helps people living with HIV become positive role models in their communities. She goes into schools and speaks to the young people – her knowledge, enthusiasm and motivation was inspiring. And she heard today that her 2 month old son is HIV negative – which is a HUGE and awesome thing!

We’ve started a new plan for giving away clothes – instead of putting out all the clothes, we have pictures of each  item which the  moms can “book”- we then make up packs of their goodies and bring them next time. Works better as there were occasionally moms who got a bit “trigger happy” on taking stuff. Not many though, there were always only one or two who went overboard, but it did mean that some people got very little and some got too much. This seems to be working much better.

The children were so quiet this time! Having a large group of all age children does sometimes lead to “ïncidents”, and we often have to track down little ones up to no good (they’re particularly fascinated by the water cooler!)  :) – but this time they were all so quiet and busy with the toys. So sweet to see even the tiniest (under 2 years old) packing away the toys at home time. Very impressed with them all.

It’s easy to to make assumptions that certain types of people (older people, child-free people, religious people, 3-headed people etc) would be negative towards our cause and our desire to help young moms and their children. But that’s just stupid, isn’t it? A good person is a good person, regardless of their age or circumstances – and maybe I must remember to not expect the worst?

Joyce tells us she’s got more blankets coming – her work is amazing and her kindness is humbling.

We had great fun and look forward to similar events in the future. If you have skills you’d like to share with our group, and a couple of hours to spare on a Saturday morning – please let me know. We’re looking for anybody with an interesting or inspiring story, educational skills or knowledge to share with us. Not necessarily parenting related either.

A comment we’ve heard is that talks like this are not necessarily our moms top priority – many of them struggling with big issues of poverty, HIV – basic survival. However, it won’t do to underestimate our moms and their willingness to learn and embrace every opportunity, no matter how much they might be faced with.

Just because you’re poor, or uneducated, or young, or sick – doesn’t mean you don’t think of other things. Doesn’t mean you don’t find ways to enjoy your life, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have fun.

Think about joining us for a morning – we want to hear from you!

Thanks all. x

Sometimes, when you’re in a situation that feels overwhelming, some people seem to just *stop*. Grind to a standstill, not sure what to do next, so they do nothing. So today is the same as yesterday, and tomorrow will be exactly that too. I’ve never been there – but I can see and understand how it happens.

This time, these particular moms needed a little bit more than a kind word and sympathetic ear – they needed a push to remind them that THEY are in charge. They are responsible for their lives, and the lives of their children – and if they don’t stand up, step up and DO what has to be done, nothing will ever change.

I understand apathy that comes from fear, paralysis that comes from depression, inaction that comes from being overwhelmed, and perhaps – simply just so used to the way things are that there doesn’t seem to be much reason to change anything. I wanted more for these moms who have become my friends, part of my family – and so I didn’t hold back. I kicked butt. I may have waggled a finger and poked a chest. I may even have used a few bad words. There may have been some wide eyes and a couple of timid versions of  ”Yes Tracy, you’re right Tracy”. I may have been a teeensy bit strict.

Hopefully, it made some difference. They said it did. Will that translate into action for them? Don’t know. That’s up to them. I’m glad I tried.

We had some new faces which was nice. Shirley Madlingozi  & Edith Delcarme, both community workers with training from The Parent Centre, joined us for a discussion on discipline and child-centered communication.

Everybody got into it and there were many contributions and questions from the moms in 3 different languages

A 5km school fun run at 7am the morning of the meeting meant that my mom and I were exhausted, so we didn’t take too many pics this time. So lovely to see how our kiddies are growing and changing – the little babies we first met are turning into toddlers, everybody’s growing up beautifully.

Our next meeting is Saturday 21 January at 10h30, Desmond Tutu HIV Foundation Youth Centre, Guinea Fowl Road, Masiphumelele.

Something that’s been on our wishlist forever and which I’m determined to make happen this year: a place of our own.

Not necessarily to hold our meetings, because we need a lot of space for that.

What we need is a small 2 or 3 bedroomed house, preferably in Fish Hoek or surrounds, where we can work from, store all our things and maybe use as emergency temporary accommodation for moms in dire straits.

It’s happened too often, and again today, that desperate moms call me needing somewhere to stay because their partner or family has kicked them out, or as in today’s situation, she’s being evicted because the rent or rates is in arrears. Today’s mom is being forced to make a choice – come up with R800 for the sheriff or give up her children to the welfare because the social workers can organise shelter for her children, but not for her. The money isn’t the issue though, because even if she pays it now (if she had the money, which she doesn’t), next month and the next the problem will still be there. What she needs is a breathing space in which she can find her feet, without breaking her family up.

So – we need this house. We need to be able to offer a bed to someone who otherwise would be homeless. Even if it’s for a few days while she figures out a better solution.

As you know, we gratefully receive some financial donations from various generous donors. But this isn’t enough to pay rent and utilities on a small house.

Rent in Fish Hoek is average R6000 (about $750) a month for the kind of place we need. Add some extra for electricity etc.

Between our Young Mom Support & Girl Who Couldn’t Say No Facebook pages, we have nearly 500 people who “like” us. If each of those people were willing to donate $5 a month – how much could we do?

I know it’s not nice to ask for money. I know you’re all inundated for requests for help from many worthy causes. I know you don’t *have* money to give. I know all this, because I’m in the same boat! It’s so horribly awkward to be asking, but I kinda feel I have to. It’s not for me. It’s not for my children. It’s for people who otherwise often don’t  have anybody to speak for them. I know that if I won the lotto tomorrow, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Even if you or your family can’t donate yourselves – can you help us spread the word of what we’re trying to do, to people who maybe CAN help us?

A little house. A bed for a mom and her child. It’s not a lot to wish for, is it?

Face painting, balloon animals, Father Christmas and his reindeer arrived ringing bells, presents by the truckload and party packs galore.

Little presents for the mommies too, and everybody enjoyed watching the DVD of the year’s photos set to music.e We were so busy I didn’t feel like I was taking in the atmosphere as much as I would have liked – but looking at the pics helped!

Thanks of course to the following people:

• My whole family – they know what they’ve done. Linda, Mark, Megan, Conor, Layla, Logan, Lara & Steven. Also our  other reindeer Abby & Mia.
• Thank you to the Desmond Tutu HIV Foundation Youth Centre and everybody there for your support and beautiful venue. Thanks Dante, Nikki, Wadi & Vanya
• Zamo Mqathane for her translation skills & loud voice
• Fouzia Ryklief and all at The Parent Centre, without your support, mentoring & funding this wouldn’t be possible
• Chantel Daniels from Volunteer Mzansi Afrika for her excitement, encouragement & amazing contacts
• Lesley Thomas for the great facepainting & balloon art
• Julie & Nicolette from The Enchanted Garden Playgroup in Noordhoek – their playgroup families very generously donated a Santa’s shoebox of goodies for each child, in addition to the presents we already had for them. Appreciate it so much, thank you to the ladies and the lovely families
• Meagan Van Der Poel for her special strawberry cupcakes which were such a great hit
• The Sherman family for their continued support & donation of Christmas hampers for families in need
• The Woodman family
• Antony Davis & Richard Hopkins
• The Richards family
• The Spulick family
• Camilla Hazell
• Bridget McNulty
• Surita Botha
• Clemence Grasset
• Our mystery anonymous donor
• And everyone else who has supported us this year, whether financially, through donations or just with kind words and good vibes. So much appreciated.

I’ve written many times about Liezl, one of our moms who we met when she was in a very dark place. A talented seamstress and single mother of four, she faces several health challenges, was unemployed, desperate and convinced she didn’t have much time left. She could see no way forward. Bogged down with fear, shame, confusion and anger – she wasn’t being the best mom she could be.

Read more about Liezl here, and here.

We’ve come a long road with her; there’s still a long way to go. But now she says she has family in us, and that if she hadn’t seen our poster in the clinic that day and decided to call me, she would have given up by now.

Last week she was given the opportunity to sell her beautiful handmade textile items at the St Luke’s Hospice Tree-Lighting in Kenilworth. Her first outing to sell her creations to paying customers. She was incredibly proud of the flyers I made for her and handed them out with every purchase.

She did well,and made, she said, enough money to feed her family for four weeks. This amount, I have to point out, is less than most “middle-class” families would spend on groceries for one week. But there you go. She did it.

She brought her oldest daughter with and we had a fantastic time. A day of toffee apples, hot dogs and being able to say “YES” to her child when she asked for something, instead of always no. The tree-lighting was an emotional occasion as she remembered her mother who she lost when she was a child.

So here’s a pic of us (Liezl, me and my mom Linda) at her table (scuse my CRAAAAZY eyes) and you can see a bit of the beautiful cushions, shoulder bags, baby carriers and cushion covers she makes.

It’s a tiny step and won’t solve every problem. Of course not. But the boost to her confidence and self-esteem can’t be underestimated. Feeling good today will help her try again tomorrow.

Very honoured to have been part of it.

Our moms have the “every child loved” thing sorted. I have not yet come across a mom in our group who is not fiercely committed to her children, who doesn’t love them in all the ways she knows how. So that’s not the problem.

The issues come with the ABLE bit. What does being “able” mean? It means every mother should:

1. Have the emotional resources to love, protect, nurture and enjoy her children. This requires some sort of available, reliable support system – NOBODY does it all alone. Some have no choice but to try, but it’s not ideal and struggling alone cannot continue indefinitely without somebody suffering.

2. Have the emotional / spiritual / physical resources to face the challenges that they face, without giving up. This means being physically, mentally and emotionally healthy herself

3. Have the ability to find help and information when it’s needed, no matter what kind. She will need information and advice when facing new parenting challenges – she must feel able to reach out for that help and know where to find it.

4. Have the financial resources to provide a safe, healthy environment for her children to grow up in, including providing for their physical and educational needs

If any one of those points are out of whack, it affects everything else as well.

Which could, eventually, lead to a breakdown in the “every child loved” part of the chain. The inability to provide financially for their children, for example, can cause so much stress, fear and guilt that the emotional strength and resilience – ability to look for solutions, keep going and look for the light – starts to disintegrate.

Hopelessness and guilt kill resilience, sap motivation and make getting out of bed in the morning seem impossible, never mind finding a way to an improved life. This is a fact, and is something that could happen to any one of us – no matter how much we’re tempted to say “that would never happen to ME. *I’d* be different; I’d find a way”. Fact is – you don’t know how you’d be.

As soon as you realise that, it becomes impossible to judge others.

Young Mom Support can’t fix everybody’s problems. Can’t provide jobs or money out of nothing, can’t fix broken families or broken hearts. Definitely can’t fix people who DON’T WANT to be helped.

What we CAN do is break down the needs of our moms into the points above – help them to see which parts they’re struggling with. When you’re feeling hopeless and lost, the line between real, concrete problems and your feelings about those problems becomes blurred. You begin to feel they’re the same thing – when they’re not.

So, what IS an able mother?

She’s a mother who is committed to the happiness, safety and success of herself and her children. She has the ability to face challenges when they come. She asks for help when she needs it, and knows it doesn’t mean she’s a failure. She bounces back when things go wrong. She finds strength in herself and in the support system around her. She has worries, fears and struggles, but she finds a way through them. She knows she will make mistakes in her parenting, and in her own life, and knows it’s okay and that her mistakes don’t have to define her. She feels good about the job she’s doing as a mom, because she knows she’s doing her best. *HER* best, not anybody else’s best. That said, she also keeps trying to do better. She finds joy in her life even through hard times. She feels strong, capable and brave.